Parents Using Public Shaming As Discipline: What Are The Implications?

There has been a lot of buzz online lately regarding the topic of using "public-shaming" as a method of disciplining children. Videos are going viral every few days, and they seem to be holding the attention of most of the nation. The videos typically depict a parent announcing to watchers what their child has done - skipping class, smoking marijuana, getting bad grades, etc - and the parent is inflicting some form of punishment as a response to the child's actions. The "public shame" comes in as parents begin to yell at their child, putting them down, cutting their hair in an unfashionable style, and more. The purpose being to embarrass the child for the world to see, with the hopes that the child will now regret their choice and correct their behavior. Some videos show parents stating this in so many words, "You have embarrassed me (the parent), so now I will embarrass you (and show this humiliating moment to your peers and the world)."

This trend seems to have caught wind and is taking off in a major way; however, many questions have also begun to arise: How effective is this new form of public-shaming as a discipline method? Is it right? What are the boundaries? And quite often - Since it is illegal to hit your children, will this work instead?

In today's world, discipline can be a major challenge for families. Most of the population requires two income-earning parents to make ends meet, and for single-family homes, long hours leave little time and energy for addressing disciplinary concerns. Every family experiences their own challenges and it often becomes necessary to look for new and creative ways of effectively guiding children towards positive decision-making. As a family therapist, I regularly hear parents voice their concern regarding the lack of viable options when providing negative consequences; they either feel consequences do not work long term or they have not yet found something valuable enough to motivate their child to make improvements. 

Regarding this new fad of "public shaming videos", there are a few very important factors to consider first:

• You're Behaving Just Like a Bully - social media is a tool often used by bullies. You do not want to emulate the adolescent behavior your child encounters with peers on a daily basis. As a parent, you want to stand out as an authority figure, not descend to the level of an immature child. Children either experience or witness online bullying every day, and Public Shaming feeds into this negative cycle
• Online Posts Last Forever - once you post a video, tweet, image, etc, it's online for good. A video can be shared to sites you are not even aware of, and once your moment of anger has passed, you've put out a lasting negative image of your child that will not go away. Long after your child's behavior has been corrected, the image could come back to haunt them. How would you feel if your biggest mistake was being viewed and scrutinized by thousands (sometimes millions) of strangers? If someone wanted to insult your child by calling them a thug,drug abuser, or worse, they would be justified in doing so through means provided by the child's own parent
• Adolescence is the Worst Age for Shaming - during teen years, we are forming who we are. Our sense of self can be very unstable and these uncertainties can cause an increased amount of insecurities. This is the worst time for feelings of shame and embarrassment, as situations can cause your child to incorporate these negative experiences into their sense of identity. Teens put a great deal of importance on reputation and videos of this nature can cause damage that is perceived as unfixable, which in turn can cause feelings of overwhelm and depression

Some parents will agree that this form of discipline is not a viable option, but ask (rightfully so): "Then what options do I have?" 

• Increase the Fun and Enjoyment So There's Something to Take Away - make sure to spend a good amount of time doing fun activities as a family and letting your child socialize with peers. Your child will be motivated to correct a problem when they feel there is something good to return to. Quite often, children have revealed in therapy "I don't care if they put me on punishment; I hardly do anything anyway."
• Don't Discipline Your Child When You Are Angry - if you need to, separate yourself from the situation and come back when you feel calm. Decisions made in a time of anger are often negative and we perform actions we later regret
• Get a Long Term Plan - while discipline is ideally consistent and timely, if you are truly uncertain about what to do, leave it alone for the moment. Get a long term plan. Involve yourself in therapy, parenting classes, parenting groups, online support groups, and more. There are resources out there for you to get the support you need. Parenting classes are not taken because someone is not a "good" parent; the purpose is to provide families with effective tools to address the challenges that will inevitably arise. It's like adding tools to your tool belt. You want as many ideas and options as possible, in order to find the right balance for your family

What are your thoughts? Have you seen Public Shaming Videos in your social media feed? What reaction do you have?

- written by Nakya Reeves, LMFT. I am a therapist and owner of a private practice where my main focus is working with families on communication issues, especially the parent-teen relationship. I also utilize PhotoTherapy techniques in my practice, which integrates bringing in photos that the client has taken or collected as a part of the therapy process. I can be contacted any time at csolutionstherapy@gmail.com

CST Book Recommendation: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I always suggest books, movies, and activities to clients as a supplement to therapy. They are a great way for clients to solidify and continue the changes we are discussing in session. This book has been a GREAT tool for clients. It is by one of my favorite self-help/therapy topic authors, Lundy Bancroft - along with JAC Patrissi. When I looked it up on Amazon to make the suggestion, I found the perfect synopsis -  the authors "offer a way for women to practically take stock of their relationships and move forward-with or without their partners.

Women involved in chronically frustrating or unfulfilling relationships will learn to:

-Tell the difference between a healthy-yet-difficult relationship and one that is really not working

- Recognize the signs that their partner has a serious problem

- Stop waiting to see what happens-and make their own growth the top priority

- Prepare for life without their partner-even as they keep trying to make the relationship work" 

I suggest keeping a journal while reading books, especially one this thought-provoking and engaging. If anyone has read this book, or plans to, I would love to hear about it!

- written by Nakya Reeves, LMFT. I am a therapist and owner of a private practice where my main focus is working with families on communication issues, especially the parent-teen relationship. I also utilize PhotoTherapy techniques in my practice, which integrates bringing in photos that the client has taken or collected as a part of the therapy process. I can be contacted any time at csolutionstherapy@gmail.com

Be Curious About Their Hobbies!

A little morning humor, but still a good message. Magic is a card game, a pretty involved one with tournaments, judges, online content, a storyline, etc. One of the most effective things that I do as a therapist is actually very simple: Being Curious. I ask questions about what my clients are interested in, I connect it with what I may already know about it, and even look up more to be better informed. Showing respect for your child's interests/hobbies is one of the best ways to connect with your growing teen. They're starting to form their own identity and you want to be sure you get "in" during the beginning stages of that. Parents always tell me they feel as if they don't know their child or that they're child "isn't being the person they used to be" - being curious is how you prevent that. [And like the picture says, cultivating these hobbies can provide them many alternatives to drug and alcohol abuse. The more options, the better]

What are some things you learned from your child? What interests have they introduced you to?

- written by Nakya Reeves, LMFT. I am a therapist and owner of a private practice where my main focus is working with families on communication issues, especially the parent-teen relationship. I also utilize PhotoTherapy techniques in my practice, which integrates bringing in photos that the client has taken or collected as a part of the therapy process. I can be contacted any time at csolutionstherapy@gmail.com

What Do You Give Your Child To Choose Instead of Drugs?

Notice all the choices shown? Parents, if you expect your teen to make better choices than using drugs/alcohol, you should take responsibility by GIVING THEM THESE CHOICES. Does your teen have any athletic involvement? Have you signed them up for a music/Art/photography class? Do you know what their hobbies are and support them? What are the things your family participates in, as a unit, on a weekly basis?

If you can't provide these answers, then how do you expect your child to pull tools from an empty toolbox? 

All this week, 2/23/15-2/27/15, I will be focusing on providing information focused on the Parent-Teen relationship. Check back everyday for my posts, comment your thoughts, share them to others, and check back other weeks for a focus on many different therapy-related issues.

 

- written by Nakya Reeves, LMFT. I am a therapist and owner of a private practice where my main focus is working with families on communication issues, especially the parent-teen relationship. I also utilize PhotoTherapy techniques in my practice, which integrates bringing in photos that the client has taken or collected as a part of the therapy process. I can be contacted any time at csolutionstherapy@gmail.com

Nakya Reeves, LMFT featured in article for Celebrity Parents Magazine Online! How to Make Sure to Have Date Night

 

I was recently featured in an article in Celebrity Parents Magazine online! Click here to see the article at Celebrity Parents . The article is a great read for busy parents who are looking to reconnect and keep their relationship a priority - all while balancing children, work, family, and love. This can be tough! With Valentine's Day coming up, it is nice to take some time and reflect on what you can be doing to keep your status as a COUPLE, in addition to your role as parents. Check out the article and comment your thoughts!

 



- written by Nakya Reeves, LMFT. I am a therapist and owner of a private practice where my main focus is working with communication issues within relationships. I also offer PhotoTherapy, which integrates photography as a therapy method. I can be contacted any time at csolutionstherapy@gmail.com - visit my website www.csolutionstherapy.com

Parents - What if You Could Set Your Phone to: Call Me if the Liquor Cabinet Opens?

#CSTrecommendation for Parents - Apps that help you monitor your home!

Technology is amazing. There's an app for just about everything, whether useful or completely pointless but entertaining. Every once in a while, there's something I see that grabs my attention and I think, "This would be great for a client!" 

Feature in Article for Woman's Day Magazine - "9 Things You Should Never Ask of Your Husband"

I was recently interviewed for an article appearing on WomansDay.com! The article deals with expectations in a marriage, and ways we can balance these expectations with the conflicts that arise in a relationship. Myself, and other professionals weigh in on this topic and share some advice from a mental health/therapy perspective.  See the Article Here On Woman's Day - and I will also provide a little information here!

The 9 Things Are:
1. To choose between you and his mother
2. To listen to you like a female friend would
3. To never notice another woman
4. To give up his passions, whether professional or personal
5. To be a different man
6. To stop seeing his friends
7. To remember every moment in your relationship that was special to you
8. To share all of your interests
9. To be the bigger person when you're acting childish

Here are examples from two of the places I am quoted (but I encourage you to read the entire article! Very constructive advice):

It's natural to occasionally wonder why did I marry this person? after many years together. But remember that a trait you loathe in your husband may be the flip-side of one you love, says South Florida–based licensed marriage and family therapist Nakya Reeves. Say your spontaneous husband has trouble staying on schedule. Reeves suggests picking your battles: You may really need him to pick the kids up on time, but let his habit of being late for dinner go.

As for the truly crucial tasks, "explain to him where the duty fits in for the family's overall plan for the day; then, discuss your responsibilities," Reeves advises. "That way, he feels like he’s a part of the decision to take accountability for picking up the children, rather than simply feeling he’s being nagged."

Giving silent treatment and withholding affection (especially sex) in order to get your way is juvenile and counterintuitive: Instead of reacting to you, your husband will likely retreat. Being passive-aggressive “is one of the most destructive forms of relationship communication— it creates a negative cycle that only gets worse and creates anger and resentment," Reeves explains.

If you feel like your husband owes you an apology, don't make your feelings sound less important than they are (passive), and don't attack him (aggressive)," Reeves says. "Instead, be assertive with an "I statement"—"I feel hurt when you ignore me because it makes me feel like you’re not taking into consideration what I have to say. I feel I deserve an apology for the way you dismissed me yesterday at dinner; next time, could you please acknowledge me?"

 

 

- written by Nakya Reeves, LMFT. I am a therapist and owner of a private practice where my main focus is working with families on communication issues, especially the parent-teen relationship. I also utilize PhotoTherapy techniques in my practice, which integrates bringing in photos that the client has taken or collected as a part of the therapy process. I can be contacted any time at csolutionstherapy@gmail.com

Children are a Reflection of the Communication We Have with Them

Be mindful of the messages you send your child through the feedback you give them. If what we pay attention to is what we get more of, it would stand to reason that our children will continue to reflect what we are pointing out. Do an honest assessment of the communication you have with your child. If you find that the majority of the messages focus on what they are doing wrong, what they could be doing better, and what improvements they should be making - do an overhaul on your output! It may not seem like it, since teens are constantly showing us that they DON'T care what we have to say - but self esteem is built and broken first and foremost in the home. 

- written by Nakya Reeves, LMFT. I am a therapist and owner of a private practice where my main focus is working with families on communication issues, especially the parent-teen relationship. I also utilize PhotoTherapy techniques in my practice, which integrates bringing in photos that the client has taken or collected as a part of the therapy process. I can be contacted any time at csolutionstherapy@gmail.com

Parenting Tip: The Airplane Metaphor

There's a metaphor I have used for years in practicing therapy with families. Specifically, parents who are stressed and need a little encouragement to take a little focus off the needs of their family and place some of that energy back into themselves. I call that metaphor, "The Airplane Metaphor."  It's been a while since my school and/or intern days, so I can't even remember where I got it from, or what theories came together to word it so well, but I do know this - it gets the point across every time.