Is My Relationship Healthy? Recognizing a Toxic Relationship and What to Do About It

Oftentimes clients come to therapy because they have choices to make. Something does not feel right in their life, and they needs the time and space to figure out what to do about it - and sometimes IF there is even something that needs to be done.

A common question I have seen clients deal with is: "Is my relationship healthy?" There is a line that separates normal relationship ups and downs from behaviors that are damaging and unhealthy. How can you assess where your relationship falls?

In determining this, here are a few things to think about (and remember, these points are valid in any relationship. Romantic relationships are not the only types of relationships that can be toxic):

• Take a look at your everyday life, and weigh out if the relationship is draining you of energy or resources. You should be receiving more energy from your relationship than you are exerting.
• When it comes to your private life, take an honest assessment of the things you are doing "in the name of love." Are you doing things you are uncomfortable with admitting to? Can you readily admit to your actions to the people who know you best and care for you? This can be a red flag because love should not humiliate us.
• Look at your future goals and aspirations. If you are not pursuing something you want in life (a job, a move, another friendship/relationship) because it threatens the relationship in question, then this is a sign that something is very wrong. Healthy relationships allow for growth

If you notice that you are in a relationship that you need to disconnect from, it can be hard to break out of old habits. Here a few suggestions for creating positive change:

• be brutally honest with yourself and recognize that you are choosing this pattern over your other goals (wanting a marriage, wanting healthy relationships, having better self esteem). This sounds like a very simple action, but sometimes saying things out loud, in a direct way, can cause you to begin to take action
• reconnect with family or friends with whom you have positive relationships. Being around a friend or family member who respects and loves you unconditionally can remind you of the way that you should be treated. Participating in a toxic relationship can form negative patterns, and seeing a healthy alternative can create an unrest in you. You will be less likely to accept negative treatment the more you are involved in healthy interactions. Being around family and friends will also occupy your time and give you less availability for the toxic person.
• Lastly: talk to a therapist about increasing your level of self esteem and for assertiveness training. Many times, involvement in toxic relationships - especially when you notice a recurring pattern in your life - can signify deeper issues. It's important to connect with a professional and do the work of healing so that any changes you make are lasting ones.

 I love to hear from readers! If this was helpful to you, please share it to help someone else! Comment and share what other ideas have been useful in your life?

- written by Nakya Reeves, LMFT. I am a therapist and owner of a private practice where my main focus is working with families on communication issues, especially the parent-teen relationship. I also utilize PhotoTherapy techniques in my practice, which integrates bringing in photos that the client has taken or collected as a part of the therapy process. I can be contacted any time at csolutionstherapy@gmail.com