When I sit back and observe challenging conversations in the therapy room, one pattern repeats itself over and over - people who are supposed to care deeply for one another, have no idea how to show love through their communication. In a conversation, most people are only listening to the other person enough to gather the information they need to formulate their own argument points. People begin to operate as opponents, rather than using communication for strengthening their relationships.
For example, when a couple is arguing about financial worries and an upcoming vacation, one partner may hold the objective of convincing the other that they can afford to go, while the other is arguing the point that the trip is too great of an expense at that time. As one partner starts to list their concerns - "the holidays are coming up; we are only just beginning to catch up on our mortgage payments; I've been really stressed and tired, adding extra hours to make up the difference..." - the other is barely listening and checking off their counterpoints in their head: "we don't need to spend a lot of money this Christmas; our money problems were just temporary; I never asked you to keep working overtime..." The partners either wind up interrupting and talking over one another, or refuting everything the other said, leaving each person feeling unheard and invalidated.
The mistake here is that these partners are missing a vital opportunity to connect. In a couple or family relationship, the idea is that these are people we are bonded with for the long term. For this reason, the partners in this example should be utilizing their listening skills to understand each other more deeply, rather than competing to influence the outcome of the discussion. How can you do this in your own relationship? Instead of countering the concerns, inquire about them. Ask for more information on it, allow your partner to share more about how stressed they have been feeling lately, encourage them to share more about their fears, and let them know you are hearing them and that their feelings and thoughts are a priority. When you make understanding and learning more your goal, you achieve greater success - not only in the present interaction, but in your relationship overall.
What this does is allow them to feel heard and validated. Which person do you think is more willing to compromise with you: one who is in direct competition with you to get what they want/need, or one who feels that you care and have their best interest at heart? Most likely the latter. You set yourself for a relationship that is built on deeper bonding and team work. In addition, you may learn something while listening that could affect your original focus. From the example, maybe you were not aware of just how stressed your partner has been lately; it could be more worth it to postpone the vacation that seemed so crucial before.
Just remember that, more than anything, the goal is always to learn more about your partner's feelings, thoughts, and experiences.
Even if a resolution is not made right away, this is successful communication [besides, in the alternative - arguing and leaving with at least one partner dissatisfied - the resolution is usually temporary or never reached at all].
For example, when a couple is arguing about financial worries and an upcoming vacation, one partner may hold the objective of convincing the other that they can afford to go, while the other is arguing the point that the trip is too great of an expense at that time. As one partner starts to list their concerns - "the holidays are coming up; we are only just beginning to catch up on our mortgage payments; I've been really stressed and tired, adding extra hours to make up the difference..." - the other is barely listening and checking off their counterpoints in their head: "we don't need to spend a lot of money this Christmas; our money problems were just temporary; I never asked you to keep working overtime..." The partners either wind up interrupting and talking over one another, or refuting everything the other said, leaving each person feeling unheard and invalidated.
The mistake here is that these partners are missing a vital opportunity to connect. In a couple or family relationship, the idea is that these are people we are bonded with for the long term. For this reason, the partners in this example should be utilizing their listening skills to understand each other more deeply, rather than competing to influence the outcome of the discussion. How can you do this in your own relationship? Instead of countering the concerns, inquire about them. Ask for more information on it, allow your partner to share more about how stressed they have been feeling lately, encourage them to share more about their fears, and let them know you are hearing them and that their feelings and thoughts are a priority. When you make understanding and learning more your goal, you achieve greater success - not only in the present interaction, but in your relationship overall.
What this does is allow them to feel heard and validated. Which person do you think is more willing to compromise with you: one who is in direct competition with you to get what they want/need, or one who feels that you care and have their best interest at heart? Most likely the latter. You set yourself for a relationship that is built on deeper bonding and team work. In addition, you may learn something while listening that could affect your original focus. From the example, maybe you were not aware of just how stressed your partner has been lately; it could be more worth it to postpone the vacation that seemed so crucial before.
Just remember that, more than anything, the goal is always to learn more about your partner's feelings, thoughts, and experiences.
Even if a resolution is not made right away, this is successful communication [besides, in the alternative - arguing and leaving with at least one partner dissatisfied - the resolution is usually temporary or never reached at all].
- written by Nakya Reeves, LMFT. I am a therapist and owner of a private practice where my main focus is working with families on communication issues, especially the parent-teen relationship. I also utilize PhotoTherapy techniques in my practice, which integrates bringing in photos that the client has taken or collected as a part of the therapy process. I can be contacted any time at csolutionstherapy@gmail.com
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